analytical Q


The Diary of Anne Ku

30 June 2000 Friday cloudy


As I walked towards the busy pub, I felt self-conscious, as if I were walking on stage for the first time.  It was a familiar feeling.  Some three years ago, every morning I'd experience the stagefright of walking onto the trading floor.  In the beginning I even hallucinated - hearing the incessant phone rings in the peace of my flat the first month after I returned to London.

I saw a few familiar faces who pretended not to recognise me.  Then I saw the joyous, smiling face of my friend who had invited me to celebrate her birthday.  She introduced me to Pete - whom I had worked with before.   P for psycho-acoustics.  How could I have mistakened it for psycho-physics?   There was no need for introductions. 

It had taken me a full year before I understood the Glaswegian accent of M, the Edinburgh accent of B, and goodness how many other non-BBC accents.  After overcoming the language barrier, I began to look for other musicians like myself, who posed as ambitious, ladder-climbing analysts hungry for a bite of the apple pie. 

Now at this pub just behind the great new building, I indulged myself in cider and then Guinness black.  The questions were still there, hanging in pregnant silence - why did she leave abruptly?  And for me, would I have been able to tolerate my 7th boss in less than 3 years?  Would I still be organising soirees to diffuse the summer night?  Would I still be longing for the freedom to wake up whenever I want to?  To have the world revolve around myself rather than vice versa?  I probably would never have known the answer to the Queen Bee's question: "would anyone want to talk to you if you didn't work for us?"

It was good to see the familiar faces who remembered my name.  It was even better to know that they read my on-line diary.  Yes, there is life after THE COMPANY.  And life isn't worse.  And yes, people do want to talk to me as Anne Ku, not as the Anne Ku who works for so and so.




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