Sunshine, a ray of hope
I woke up to a grey day that was neither here nor there. Perfect day to spend indoors writing, I thought to myself. Like the day, I was grey inside, missing the summer and longing for this cold winter to pass.
Just after lunch, the sun woke up. It sent its rays directly into my bedroom where I had been trying to get into a rhythm of writing. I pulled down the blinds so that I could see the computer screen and continue my work.
How did I get into this grey mood? It's easy to become self-absorbed when you cut out your friends by telling them that you're busy meeting a deadline. While deadlines are there to be met, you still need to eat and live. In your alone-ness, you get stuck into a static state where the present seems overwhelming and the past pulls you back. The future is nowhere in sight.
Many years ago, I met an interesting man at a party. He told me that he suffered from clinical depression. It was like a black hole that kept luring him in. So he had to keep running by keeping himself busy and exercising everyday. I didn't understand what he was talking about. That he hardly ever smiled gave me a clue. There was always a look of extreme sadness. It was as if he was grieving for someone.
In hindsight, I must have appeared to be the sunshine in his miserable life. I was simply a ray of hope that he had latched onto. Everytime it got close to meeting and advancing our friendship, he would disappear. He wouldn't answer my phone calls or e-mails. He would simply disappear. Cyberspace was a safer place to interact than the real world of face-to-face. I didn't understand how a person who had a successful business and a good personality could see the world in such negative terms.
Without sunshine, our lives can easily fall into a black hole. Grey moods are the beginning of that journey. Open the blinds to let the sunshine in. Don't hide from your friends that are eager to see you.
20 January 2003 Monday