Journal Entries
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Bon Journal
The dependence of being independent
A long time ago, a classmate observed that I was terrified of becoming
dependent and that more than anything I wanted to be independent. How
does one become truly independent? Why would I want to be independent?
My father taught us to be financially independent from a very young
age. As children, we started putting money away, learning to save and
budget. When we graduated from high school, he expected us to leave home
and become "independent." I, for one, truly felt that I could
not call or return home when I felt homesick or wanted to give up. I could
only look forward and outward.
Being independent meant not having to rely on anyone. Being independent
was necessary for survival. To me, being independent meant having my head
rule my heart.
These days I come across the term co-dependence. I hear of couples who
are interdependent on each other. More than being complementary, they
actually need each other to live normally. In a long term relationship,
one might fear that breaking-up would be more than hard to do, but that
one would become weak without having the other to depend on. The few books
I read on this subject seem to speak negatively of such co-dependence.
Yet, for many it works.
So now I ask myself again: what is the value of being truly independent?
Is it to comfort my father that I have met his wishes? Is it to brag to
others that I am invincible? Or is it to prove to myself that after all
this effort, it is okay to depend on others and enjoy the comfort of relationships
that grow and prosper. In this networked society, how can anyone be truly
independent? With globalisation, we all become one node in a spiralling
and sprawling web of interdependencies.
To be truly independent, I must not have any expectations of others.
I would have to be self-sufficient in every aspect of my daily life. Could
I then live without hopes, dreams, and expectations? Aren't those the
things that life is made of?
Recently someone asked me gently, "are you afraid of getting involved
because you don't want to get hurt?"
The answer to that, I discovered, is "Yes, I am afraid of relationships.
Not that I'd get hurt, but that I may become dependent."
And of course, he was right. If I become dependent, I start to have
expectations, dreams, and hopes. As my sister once said, "The pessimist
will never be disappointed." To expect, dream, and hope invite the
chance of being disappointed. And rejection and disappointment eventually
leads to ......... getting hurt.
2 June 2001
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