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Engineer jokes

courtesy of Jerry, who introduced me to electrical engineering

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out what kind of Engineer God is.

The first engineer says "I think God is a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The second engineer says "I think God is an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The third engineer says "I think God is a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The fourth engineer snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, God MUST be a Civil Engineer!"

The other three ask "Why?"

"Well" says the fourth engineer, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a prime recreational area?"

Engineers are Cool

courtesy of Charlie, who is an engineer himself

Reason No. 1

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

No. 2

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

No. 3

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

No. 4

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded: "One chalk mark: $1; knowing where to put it: $49,999."

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

No. 5

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.